24Nov17 | 1 f*ckup in august, 2 days in jail, $3k in fines, 4 lessons in life

This was my view on August 9th at 7:27 PM, hours before I totaled my car.

I was somewhere on Egypt’s north coast and on my way to go meet with some friends. I had just finished cycling, then fitted the bike I just rented in the back of my car, and I got going.

I haven’t felt that good in quite some time.

At that point, I had just been away from my desk—a break I felt I deserved, because the few months prior had been filled with significant changes, in life and work. I had been living like a mad scientist in his own lab for a while. So one weekend I decided to go to the north coast to steam off, and it had been long since I went there; it’s quite the destination for that time of the year.

Around 9:30pm, I’m on the road, and I can vividly remember I had this new afro track on. I was driving at normal speed, then got a bit distracted for 1.x seconds, and it was enough to tail an entire bus full of people, on an open road, in the middle of nowhere.

So in under two seconds, lots of things I never knew could happen, did actually happen. For example, I didn’t know that the time an airbag would take to inflate is in the order of a few milliseconds, and that modern systems could have alerting engines on board that actually do work. In just one second, iOS knew that I did a car crash, contacted emergency caller IDs, called 911, and continued to make the loudest alarm sound I had ever heard come out of an iPhone.

Thankfully, no one was harmed. But it’s quite the irony when things like these happen at times when you think you are on the verge of depression. Serves like an instant reminder. Because the few months prior to this incident had me feeling low; very low. And then after the incident I was suddenly forced to revisit my definition of ‘low’.

Over the next 48 hours, I would:

• Get handcuffed
• Sleep on the floor till the next morning
• Spend 5 hours in this transport vehicle, on a 38°C day
• Lose my driving license and never sit behind a driving wheel for the next 3 months
• Drown in legal paperwork (the most painful)

It was almost surreal because for a moment it felt like a movie. I knew what was going on was not something that I’d see everyday. So I decided to just be silent and absorb all of it.

I was lucky in multiple ways. For one, I got out of the crash standing on both legs. Second, I underestimated the number of people that would show up to help me. Although it was clearly my mistake, and undeniably so, I received unwavering support from my father and many friends, far beyond what I would have expected.

Thankfully, it didn’t turn into an open case, which would’ve been more drastic. It’s normal for these situations to take up to weeks, sometimes months, to resolve, and that is if resolution is even on the table. So for it to resolve in 48 hours, and for me to get out in full health, is beyond what I could’ve hoped for.

Ironic how sometimes the bad days make you feel good, and the good ones make you feel bad.

I rarely forget the dates of my 'bad days'. These memories form a crucial timeline in my mind—a continuum that helps me maintain perspective. Keeping this continuum in my short-term memory helps me navigate the good and the bad. They remind me that life is interspersed with moments of every kind. And that I shouldn't be aiming for a life of comfort but a life of wisdom.

You’re not entitled to anything

Here’s the ‘good’ takeaway you are looking for:

For long, I have been contemplating why some things –in work or life– go wrong, then suddenly, I had to think about the number of things that could go wrong, but didn’t.

This is huge. Because now I don’t think about the possibility of “things not working” only during the hard times, but also during the good times. It becomes way easier to appreciate every good time and every win when you remember that you’re not entitled to any of it.

What this means is, suddenly, my programming was reset, and my brain rewired. I know quite well that normally, these kinds of shifts take long, sometimes years, before you’re hit with the ‘revelation’. So in hindsight, it feels as if I underwent an extreme experience and paid the price, only to accelerate the shift. Which I cannot be ‘ungrateful’ for, see how it works?

Soft men create hard times, hard men create soft times

From an outsider’s perspective, it might seem unfortunate to hear about bad things happening to other people. From an insider’s perspective, you go through a lot and you take it all in, and ultimately these times shape who you become. I am nowhere near what I want to be, but I’m trying my best to take everything in; the good and the bad.

The stories I read about people going through near-extreme experiences and about who they became in the process, in a sense, make me jealous. So the more I grow the less I regret fuckups. And this is not to say that you should just go do whatever you feel like doing; it’s just to say that regret shouldn’t have a place in your mindset.

I came to learn that everything happens for a reason, and that whatever you go through is just meant to be part of your story.

You can be fast, or you can be distracted, but you cannot be both

For long, the open road for me was just a proxy for life. This might seem crazy but I always thought that those who are extremely cautious while driving are also slow in life. ‘And I don’t want to be slow’ – or so I was thinking.

I was generally on the reckless side when it comes to driving. I was always feeling the urge to be faster than the average speed of the road, just because I saw a reflection of everyone’s approach to risk based on their driving.

But I also believe that time has a way of telling. So it wasn’t until this day that time taught me you can either be fast or distracted, but not both. Both could be deadly; on an open road, and in life as well.

The world is as you see it

It’s always about the story you tell yourself about the memory. Your world is literally a bunch of “what you think”s. Over and over, life would remind me of this.

One of the best comments I received from one of my friends when I expressed my frustration following the incident and all the money I spent was: “Just think as if you spent it on a trip to Europe.” Strange but relieving.

Ever since August, everyday I wake up, then try to potter for some time; make a good breakfast, take a walk with the dogs, take a soak in the sun, or just sit down in silence for a little while. So far I’d say this has been one of the biggest changes into my day. It sets the tone for a day of work and reminds me that however it goes, it probably is better than many days out there.

Thanks for reading!