In 2018 I subconsciously made a masterplan.
Since then, everything happening is one dot on the timeline. Lessons and steps, all seem to fit in, in a way I didn't really think it through, but it just happens.
I slowly am becoming more of your spiritual friend who's trying to come up with meaning, although this wasn't really me, for sure what I really am is the analytical guy; an engineer who believes in research experiments & science, X leads to Y. But as I'm overseeing my life from the 10,000 ft view, I came to behold that everything is intrinsically connected. I now believe I don't have to visualize the whole timeline, and that slowly and with time, dots connect. Not only that, but they connect when & how they should. A complete overhaul that I wasn't used to get along with.
And then through the last 2 years, and through paying attention to everything in zone-out mode, I started to realize a theme of connectedness. Connectedness of time, thoughts & places – not in a hallucinogenic way, but in a realistic way; a theme that can be explained in real words just like I'm doing now.
I think what could've happened through 2018 –and as I transitioned into knowing who I am & who I am not– is that I took time through which my mind painted some visuals. These visuals were like the guide for my actions & standards along the way, and then only through these guides do I tend to make things real because otherwise things would've been totally different so how else would things ever align for 2 different versions of me, 2018 & now. And also somehow this explains the fact that sometimes when I come across a visual it feels like I've literally seen it before. To be clear, a visual here can represent a place, a feeling, a situation, an interaction, or all of them.
Sometime in 2020, I was sitting in a car with a friend at 2 am, I remember during our talk he said these exact words looking through the windshield: “Look over everything that's in front of you now and try to imagine everything as one & connected”. This was quite strange. We were only briefly friends through 2020 and now we barely know each other, but when I come to think about it, nothing more true has been said. To this moment I don't know if he really meant it, and how he came to learn about it, I didn't ask. On the grand scheme it seems like we only knew each other for the purpose of this one night. Quite strange, but acceptable for me at this point. It seemed like he had some sort of an answer, that I would eventually also get to know, but how & when each of us came to internalize the same theme is what's different; a great example of how life works.
There's a band called "The xx", I used to heavily listen to their music, they had the line: “The stars & the charts & the cards make sense only when we want them to” in one of their tracks (was called On Hold?) – Back then, I was thinking “YES! Of course”, but that's it, I didn't know what to do with the insight haha – and then once again, it seems like I made things make sense only when I was ready. Like the above example; had I not been paying attention, I wouldn't have really believed that my friend's words were true – I came to it through my own experiences and formula and it happened to make sense at the right time for me! which in and of itself EXPLAINS that everything is indeed connected.†
And which also brings us to the point that spirituality is really core identity-level work. I can't express this enough, but I believe that each of us should constantly be working on their own model of the world because that's what it's like to have true meaning. The exploration of things, the look at the stars, the zone-out mode, or whatever, all of these are forms of the same state, and are forms that I made up, through my lens. All what I can tell you is that at some point along the way, you should realize that everything is connected.
I want to return to the term "Ineffable" I wrote about last year; author was saying that the deeper you understand your consciousness the less words you have to explain it.††
And although I consider the above paragraphs my best work to date representing what I'm thinking behind the meaning of things, I really think this barely scratches the surface.
Deliberately exploring states of your mind is practically hard and representing it in form of words is even harder. Safe to say that as I build up on this work through the years and as I get better with writing, this will remain one topic I can't express in totality.
† Funny that instagram tells me younger me was thinking the same thing, but 270 weeks ago. Time is circular (right?).
†† Originally, it was “the deeper you understand the non-physical…”, but then in this scope, you got to identify the non-physical, your consciousness, & the universe as one, the whole point behind it all.