how attraction works

this is one of the few times i write about this.

and i don't know everything but i might know a thing or two.

i previously wrote a post about ‘the law of attraction’ (nov 2021) from a spiritual point of view,

and then wrote another one called ‘a subtle theory of love’ (apr 2023).

and then i intended to continue the subtle theory series but most of it got buried in my drafts - in fact a big part of this post was written back in february of this year - but it also didn’t make it.

this topic feels like a different territory, but i wanted to talk about it.

now this post got everything i think about but don't say.

i thought it’s about time i come clean… at least to myself.

foco / self-foco - no way around it in order to know someone quote: "there's magic in getting to understand somebody" - before sunset + talk about before sunset most people are shallow / depth we yearn for simplicity - more than ever overstimulation - we forgot what it means to... speed dating, or dating, or whatever we always believe we can attract better never in my life i knew a girl and didn't deeply believe "instead of___ now, if i could just wait" - this wrong; this is lethal; it won't lead me anywhere love is not found, it's built <rephrase> we all want things - the right mindset will be build things not find them we tend to casually snap out of character for people we think we like - no way around it; no matter how hard we try in a perfect world, overthinking and anxiety and___ shall never exist, but they do everyone gets what they deserve, not what they want, but what they deserve many people think it gets easier for men to find someone as they grow older - this is not entirely true, because as you grow your standards grow with you - so in the end things feel almost as if they even out - age doesn't really matter - however, the one thing i noticed is that on the right track <>, it becomes easier to attract more people as you grow old, but not as much easier to get to like someone yourself i might get to like a girl every year or two, but it's almost always a buildup, im hardly one of those people that can like someone on the spot, but i know many people are there also is a conundrum here: some people, especially men, think that as long as they know how to attract, it's just a matter of iteration - meaning you just know as much women as possible and inevitably you shall find someone who fits your standards - i swear someone told me he knew 29 women between 2021 and 2023 - while some men have no problem doing this, other people sinply can't. because:

1. if you have ANY other priorities in your life this simply becomes impossible - let alone lots of other pritiites - some men only have girls as priority; this is not normal
2. i simply don't understand how quick some people switch / like other people <> - talk about depth and meaning and connection

story and timelines and connection and understanding

3 things:

• how we first knew each other / first met
• what we want out of this

the more you are in your masculine the more you'll attract someone in their feminine - and this creates a stronger bond where_______

watch interstellar watch before sunset

• when you're attracted to someone, even the simplest things seem to be more attractive - meanwhile if you zoom out a little bit, whatever you like about them could be present in many other people as well - turns out nothing really special - you just chose to see that angle, which is still a plausbile thing to do - not toblame yourself over anything, but always good to be aware of it
• when you like someone, ideally you won't know why, it just sort of happens - slowly, often very slowly in the background - many people think we snap in and out love - although some people do that, but this is seldom the case! you often have the sort of buildupo that makes it not easy to like NOR dislike someone in a brief window of time
• this actually explains why when someone is not treating you as expected you still seem to be inclined to forgive and go on - because whatever happens in this point in time doesn't summarize the whole buildup - this is just one data point on the curve - and for the curve to change directions it has to be way more than one simple action or text or saying or whatever

• one thing i'll always tell my small brother is to not date someone who's broken - there is just NOTHING you can do to someone who's broken; nothing - really
• for someone who's broken, their brain chesmistry, in lots of times, are beyond repair - in lots of times it's because of other bad people, or whatever - so you have to know from the beginning it's not fair for you to have to fix what you didn't break - many people already know this but sadly many others don't
• if someone got out of a relationship feeling drained and unworthy, their brain will start belittling anyone who make them feel like they are - this happens no matter whether they’re worthy or not - they just won’t be able to tell the difference
• physical appearance often makes the very first sign of why you do like someone - this is often not enough - but we also often don't know it
• there's this law in 48 laws of power that says 'avoid the unhappy and avoid the unlucky'

• when we're attracted to someone, we like to think we're drawn to them - like there's some invisible chord out there in the universe that indicates this is our person - we even start projecting every single trait we want and would rather see in our dream person on them - in this process we fly so high we forget they're only human; that our expectations of them are only our mistake, not theirs - that there probably are many other people out there with the same interests, laugh, and connection we think is so unique
• do you know why do we think like that? i thought about it and i know the answer
• tl;dr because it spoils the plot
• [as a straight, <sawy>, man or woman,] when you truly like someone, your brain chemistry changes, you start filtering out everyone that is not them, and even filtering out traits that are not in them - even though often the subtle things you like about them are not things they chose, but just because you like them, you iterate over things you like or dislike about other people through things you know and like about them!
• when you like someone, you start thinking about them in the most random times, and more dangerously, in expected times, like when listening to a song or watching a movie or whatever -

in my experience,

• there's this movie 'Before Sunset' - one of the best i have watched and an easy top 10 for me - the movie is taken on one connected shot over a walk in paris between a man and a woman that first met 9 years ago and haven't met since then
• <the conversation>
• we start changing
• can you just be? when we dont change, irnoically we seem more attractive
• when we like someone we start living in our heads, we start overhtinkging every text and every thing we say - meanwhile the real reason they like us might be totally different
• when i talk to a girl im into, i notice im very different - i know myself when i talk and interact
• ironaically, i always wanted to be myslef also around people i like, but it jsut doesnt seem to happen - every time it has to be a ramp up, like you;'re so focused on not messing things up you forget how to be - irn iolcaly again, the way to attract is to just be - especially if it wokrs in other areas of your life, so you know this is problably enoguht, letting yourself be, think and talk as you;'d normally be, it doesn't have to besome type of perfect setup where you say everythign on point and do everyhtingas you should - allow yourself some amrgin of error and the interaction will come as naturally as it should - this is how you be
• we seem like at all times we dont want to 'mess things up' - but also, irnocally enough, with the right one there's no messing - and there shall not be - if you can mess things up, then they're not the one - simple as that
• dating for marriage - no time
• everythign is hard
• if you;d have to play tactics - remember, they are not for you - and you're not for them - something is not wokring
• if ther'e s any friction, then that;'s probably the universe way to giving you signs - you may ignore them but that's about the strongest signal you could get - ignore at your own risk
• i never have been a 'girls guy' and thankfully though

• because physical appearance is often the first layer of attraction
• when we like how someone looks, we tend to imagine they have everything else
• when we're not so attracted to their appearances, we tend to imagine they don't
• but let me tell you this - physical appearance is often such a huge coverup

• one of the mental exercises i’d be doing early on is work backwards from my dream life - can this girl grow into a woman that would fit this dream life? i think constructing that type of visual in mind is critical, and i think many people do it, but they do it for the wrong reasons - <explain> and you even have to be detailed about it, think places, activities, work, parenting, traveling, eating out, hanging with friends, etc
• i think the word criteria is absurd - but it’s good to have a standard against which you can <__>, for example, when i know someone new i tend to think: can we hold a conversation? how far can i take her hand and walk down an extremely intellectual realm - will she keep up? will she give up? is she curious? is she ahead of me? is she trying to understand? (insert block from 26 in 26 post)
• avoid the unhappy and avoid the unlucky - one thing that i also think is very imp is to stay away from girls that are attractive but lost their spark - i might have done this mistake once or twice - but if i’d have one thing to tell my little brother about dating, it is to try detect whether she’s ‘broken’, and try do that very early
• i also think this is the only type of women that you’re powerless to help no matter who you are - men like to think they’re resilient and powerful and unshakeable, which is great, but in order to stay that way you also have to protect your <mental peace, ___> - i won’t talk to you about fish or the sea, but good men know quite well they’re not supposed to fix what other men had broken - so you got to respect the signs - the earlier the better
• when you know someone and sense a spark, it’s the equivalent of entering a new room full of fresh air - when any of you start ‘implementing tactics’, even if for the love of the game, it’s as if you are holding a huge tube pumping carbon dioxide in the room until there’s no fresh air left - what you think you start to keep them around is what would consume all credit all of a sudden - especially early on, when you haven’t even built enough credit for each other yet
• meanwhile when you treat them like a friend,
• we ten to do stupid things when we like someone, very stupid things
• if you could just forget the fact that you like them and treat them like a friend, maybe you could like each other more - some people don’t like to do this, but it will put them under the turmoil of ‘expectations’ <rephrase>
• men want to feel respected, women want to feel chosen
• you don't choose someone, you choose someone's childhood
• history matters a lot - their past matters a lot more than you think - im -openly- not one of these guys who would ignore someone's past - eventually i just trust heaven's work - if it's not working then probably it's because it's not supposed to, because of something i haven't known YET. if you think about this deeply you'll know it's right.
• ... so we like to stay neutral lest we do something out of the ordinary
• but that's not how attraction works
• we tend to ignore the quirks, the sloppy nods, and anything else we wouldn't normally accept

• i think for me one of the biggest factors of attraction has always been "in your head, what do you think about your life? do you believe you're just starting? or do you believe you're past everything you believe you deserve?"
• i don't say it out loud, but every part of my interaction would try to reveal this answer because deep down it think nothing else matters.
• this calibration is stupidly important - because only through that you'd know whether they are willing to <> or not.
• life is hard, raising kids is hard
• ego is a big problem - you have to learn to control it, tame it

In the end,

Take things at face value, and dont think too much

• sometimes i feel like my life is like a mega project that’s under construction - like it’s either going to come up together in the most unexpected wonderful way, or break into pieces like nothing was ever worth it -
• watching my life from observer view, the amount of opportunities i have passed on during the past few years is insane - always, in my mind, i liked to think i’m destined for more - so i haven’t once prioritized a job because of its money, someone because of their beauty, or __ because of their ___.
• everything i choose i do so willingly - i walk through life with zero agenda - and im quick to turn on people who don’t, because i always think this should be the only logical filter for proximity; im here because i want to, not because i have to, and so should you